If you are relatively new to the blog, you have probably seen me gush about a lot of zombie stuff. I like most things zombies. I don’t really mind that everyone and their mother is trying to use zombies to make a buck. If I did I would be a hypocrite. Now I don’t make any money doing the blogs for this site (sigh…), but we are trying to sell zombie comic books here.
But those who are not new to this site and have read my blog a few times (thank you!) know that I hate it when people sell “zombie” products and do a really piss pore job of it. Not the sales themselves, but they put out such a cheesy product, it makes you want to take the marketers and punch them right in the baby makers. I have ranted about one such product before. Now I’m going to rant about another one.
It might look familiar. I featured it in Wednesday’s blog. Take a look.
Zombie pepper spray. Are you F*&(ing kidding me? How desperate do you have to be to make zombie pepper spray? Not only is the marketing idea dumb, but it could put people in grave danger (ok… pun intended). The zombie craze and weapons are nothing new. Zombie swords, zombie guns, zombie bullets, even zombie bow and arrows and crossbows all make sense. But pepper spray?
What is pepper spray going to do to a zombie? You can’t make a zombie cry. This is part of what makes them scary. Impale them on a pike, cut off an arm, shoot a cannon ball through their chest, that’s not going to stop them. They will find a way to continue to crawl, swivel, or scootch their way to your tasty, tasty brains. You think pepper spray is going to stop them? Make them cry and beg you to stop? I think not.
According to my sources (read Wikipedia and www.yourgreatestprotection.com) pepper spray works because of a chemical called oleoresin capsicum which is derived from peppers, like chili peppers. When the solution is sprayed into the face of an attacker the common reaction you will get (beside oww my GD face!) will be almost immediate closing of the eyes. Coughing and runny noses are common side effects as well. Pepper spray will even work on individuals that feel no pain because the solution is an inflammatory agent, so it irritates the mucus membranes in the skin, eyes, and upper respiratory regions. So even a zombie that does not suffer from pain will be affected by it.
The problem is the effects won’t stop the zombie. Zombies do not need to breath, they do not need to see, and they are unable to cry. The sad thing is, you won’t even piss it off because it can’t feel pain! It’s going to keep coming at you like nothing is wrong and just have spicy brains. You’ll be doing it a favor by improving your flavor!
Now someone may argue that by not being able to see or smell, a zombie would not be able to find you if you run. But it can still hear. For pepper spray to work properly, you must be within 8 to 20 feet of the intended target (closer and you’ll get yourself with the spray and that’s just counterproductive.) This spray canister looks like it probably won’t get that 20 foot mark, so I’m guessing somewhere between 8 and 10 feet is your effective range for this weapon. In that time it takes you to ready the canister and fire an effective dose of the pepper spray, you could have shot it in the head with a bullet, prepared an ax to swing, or even I don’t know, ran away? Besides, if the spray doesn’t work (and it won’t) then the zombie will be that much closer to you before you realize you’ve been wasting time.
Now keep in mind, I’m not discussing the effectiveness of the pepper spray itself. Regular humans and wild animals will probably be effected normally The website for the spray boasts about it being easy to use and convenient to carry. Would I carry some with me for protection in an apocalypse? You bet your ass I would! Save a bullet, spray the bear in the face instead. Because if the first bullet doesn’t kill it, you’ve just pissed of an angry Yogi. Better yet, spray the bear in the face, then unload a clip in it’s skull. Then you have taken care of the threat, plus you have tasty bear meat to feed your survivor group as well as a warm coat to protect you in the winter.
But when it comes to a zombie, I’m going to stick with my 9mm thank you very much. You want to advertise this as apocalypse spray? Fine. Just leave zombies out of it. By misleading your customers into thinking this will stop the undead, you are doing a disservice to your customers as they will become helpless victims instead of powerful zombie slayers. You would do better with a stun gun to be honest. Then at least the electricity you send through the body may fry the brain of the zombie with any luck (and tweaking of the safety mechanisms).
What weapon would you like to learn about next? Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org or again, leave a comment below. You can also follow Dead Future on Facebook and Google +. You can also follow me on Twitter and Google +.
Till Fate brings our Future…
I came up with this idea, and it just made me laugh. I first had the idea of using a lawn mower as a weapon against zombies from the 1992 Peter Jackson movie Dead Alive. When Lionel’s mother gets bit by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, she contracts the disease that turns her, and everyone she infects, into zombies. It breaks this mamma’s boy’s heart when he finds out that in order to save his town, he must dispatch of his own mother, along with every other abominable creation she has made. This turns out to be no easy task. Every limb he severs crawls back to its host. Every head he chops off continues to taunt him. When he makes the happy discovery that destroying a hand by a blinder prevented it from coming back together, Lionel gets the bright idea to go zombie hunting with the largest blender he can find, a lawn mower.
This humble power mower saves Lionel and his love interest’s life, as well as his town as he disperses the big evil in a rather comical way. However this led me to question if you could use a lawn mower in real life to dispatch the undead.
Now if you have ever tried to go mower shopping you will know that there are several styles of lawn mowers out there. First you have your very primitive and pain in the butt to use push mower. I’m talking about the non-mechanical one your grand pappy probably had to use. For ease of reference you can take a look below. Then you have the power mower. These mowers run on either electricity or gas, and thankfully chop up the grass for you. This is the one that my Dad always had me use as a kid. It was supposed to build character. All it ever did for me was waste my time and hurt my back. Then of course you have your beautiful time saver, the riding lawn mower. To be honest, my first experience using one of these was two days ago when I wrote this post. I am supper glad I no longer have to use that old power mower to tackle the grass on our ½ acre lot. There is also one other mower I want to touch on, and although it’s still a riding mower, I feel it deserves a class all of its own, and that would be an industrial riding mower. These things start out the size of small cars, and can end up as large as half a school bus. I mention these separately because their size will change how I feel it’s effectiveness as a weapon will be.
Now anyone who has pushed a mower will tell you, it’s no fun. The thing is bulky, difficult to maneuver, and usually heavy to boot. Pushing the standard power mower will get you nowhere when trying to kill a zombie. You may get lucky as you run over the zombie’s foot to knock it down, enabling the blades to access a larger part of the body to chop up. But the problem becomes that no matter how powerful your push mower is, the bodies’ mass will provide too much resistance for the blades to continue spinning. This would render it ineffective as a killing weapon. Even if you get lucky enough to be able to tackle the zombie’s head first, you may only kill one zombie that way before you destroy the mower. Even if you pull a Lionel and hoist the mower up to your chest to be able to attack the zombie standing up, the resistance of chopping at the arms may be too much for your standard power mower.
Riding mowers can be a bit more durable. I’ve ended up chopping up some stuff on a riding mower that my old push mower would never have been able to tackle. The reason for this is that the riding mower is designed to handle higher grass, and therefore able to chop up denser objects. I sill doubt it’s capability of finishing off a entire human or zombie body. Even if you were able to get the mower to clear the body so you could reach it with the blades, the blades may only be able to handle a head, or part of an arm before calling it quits. Also, a riding mower is much heavier and there would be no way of picking it up to swing as a weapon. Tipping it on it’s side would be useless as well because most of these motors have a safety feature so that if the rider gets off the seat, the mower will shut off.
Now when you start talking about industrial mowers, you might be getting somewhere. The industrial mowers would be a safer bet if you had to use mower as a weapon. The size of the mower alone makes it hard to tip. Also the blades are larger, more durable, and are designed to handle larger items if necessary. These things are designed to keep running no matter what you throw underneath them, so chopping up a body may be possible. The industrial mowers also usually have some sort of cage design to help protect the operator from flying debris. This would provide an additional layer of protection should a zombie try to get a meal on wheels. If one does end up climbing on your tractor, shoot it in the head, and then run it over for good measure. These mowers can also have additional accessories, like backhoes, plows, scooping buckets, and more. These items would make it more convenient to knock down your opponent so you can run it over. Keep in mind however, not all industrial mowers would work well. For instance, a low clearance mower designed for quickly cutting large areas of grass, won’t have the capability of clearing a zombie to get it under the blades. However a multi functional tractor mower would work better as it will have bigger tires. Tractors however can be slow, so you may find yourself over run before long.
In short I would not recommend using any of these types of mowers in a zombie combat scenario. If you’re in a tool shed, you can find much better weapons within reach. The one exception to this rule would be the mower I have not discussed in detail. The good old push mower. This mower would not be able to chop up a zed, however these mowers are built sturdy, and surprisingly light. If worst came to worst, grab this baby by the handles, and swing it into the nearest zed. It would be enough to at least knock him off his feet. If you happened to be able to connect with the head, cracking the skull open would probably not be an issue. Again, not an ideal weapon but out of all the mowers, probably the most functional.
If you have any ideas for future melee weapon blogs or you just want to share your opinion on today’s blog, you can email or post in the comments below. You can also follow Dead Future on Facebook and Google +. You can also follow me on Twitter and Google +.
Till Fate brings our Future…
Lets face it, in the final days, fighting zombies is going to be inevitable. And sometimes you want to take them out, all quiet like. My first rule when it comes to choosing weapons is to remember that blades never need reloading.
But sometimes you don’t have a sword at your disposal and you have to improvise a little bit. That’s why I’m doing a segment on melee weapons. Sometimes it will be about conventional weapons like swords or machetes, and sometimes it will be about improvised weapons, like that 2×4 that just happened to be laying around. Today I want to talk about the shovel.
Yes that’s right the shovel. This multi purpose tool can not only help you with your future gardening projects at your safe house, but can be an effective zombie killing machine. If used correctly.
As there are many diffrent kinds of shovels out there, so let me clarify as to which ones could help you. You want a spade shovel. The kind with the pointy scoop. The flat scoop is great for doggy duty, or shoveling snow, but we are talking about taking zombie heads off here people. The spade is designed to effectively dig through the earth and even chop up roots. This leads to it being better able to sever a spinal cord, or ramming it through a zed’s cranial cavity. As opposed to a flat shovel who’s only use would be to slam a zombie in the face, the spade can effectively be used to inflict more damage to your opponent.
As far as the spade goes, lets discuss two types you want to look into.
The second type of spade I wanted to discuss was actually designed for combat. Entrenching shovels have been around since the Roman Legion and Julius Cesar. The Romans would dig a trench around their sleeping area each night, if there was no established camp, to build a rampart and protect them from would be attackers. This would also be a good strategy to use if you have to camp in the open during the zombie attacks.Since then, these shovels have undergone many design changes. The US Army uses a collapsible shovel for it’s entrenching needs. But our needs are more for the killing kind and not so much the digging kind. So I suggest something like the Special Forces Shovel offered by Cold Steal. This implement can dig and be used for gardening, trenching, and burying just like a normal shovel (abet with a tad more difficulty due to shortness of the handle), but is far more superior for attacking with. Imagine the maneuverability and lightness of a combat knife, but with more power behind it and more killing potential.
There are several things that make this weapon a weapon of choice. First, the edges of the shovel are sharpened down like axes or knives. This way it can be swung like an ax. You can chop wood with this baby, or a zed’s head, depending on the task at hand. Second the short handle allows premium maneuverability. It also allows the flexibility to be used in tight spaces (just grip closer to the head), or out in the open where it’s full potential can be released. Third it’s devastating if thrown. With some training this weapon can be thrown like a knife with double the effectiveness (see the video below). Finally it is portable. Unlike it’s long handled cousin, this shovel can be attached to your belt or backpack using a specially designed sheath. I defiantly would recommend the sheath as otherwise the potential for self injury is increased.
Please feel free to add your two cents into this. I encourage discussion as the only way we can guarantee survival is to discuss plans and strengthen each other! So please comment below, or you can email me at email@example.com. Please also feel free to Like us on Facebook, or add us to your circles on Google +! You can also follow yours truly on Twitter and Google +!
Till Fate brings our Future…