Declaration of Independence is the cornerstone to the foundation of the American government. It was written to formally show Great Brittan that the United States of America disavowed British rule on the colonies and considered itself to be a self-governing body separate from the King of Brittan.
I will not often make fun of history, especially if it ever involves solders or their sacrifice in the pursuit of freedom. I feel there is a sacredness to that history that must be respected. However a thought had popped into my mind as I was watching fireworks with my family that I just couldn’t get out of my head. So I set to work to rewrite the Declaration of Independence to what it would have looked like if the Revolutionary War was fought between zombies and Americans, instead of Great Brittan and the United States.
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the unearthly bands which have connected them with the zombies, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are living, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Safety, and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any zombies become destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to abolish them, and to institute a Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that zombies long standing should not be allowed to live for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by taking up arms against the undead. And when a long train of blood and brains evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to be rid of all zombies, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to resist the thrall of the undead. The history of the present zombie hoard is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
They have refused to Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
They have forbidden their charges from living, unless suspended in their operation till un-death do take them; and when so suspended, they usually eat their brains.
They have refused to allow for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right to their appendages, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
They have called together hoards at places unusual, uncomfortable, and close to the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their measures.
They have dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness their invasions on the people.
They have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to rot in peace, whereby the gouls, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
They have endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Nature; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
They have obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing yield their search of brains.
They have made Ghouls dependent on their Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
They have erected a multitude of New Hoards, and sent hither swarms of zombies to harass our people and eat their substance.
They have kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
They have affected to render the Military weak and yielding to their demands.
They have combined with others to subject us to a torture to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving their Assent to their Acts of cannibalism:
For quartering large bodies of zombie troupes among us:
For protecting them, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For eating our brains without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of our skin:
For transporting us beyond life into un-life:
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an zombie regime, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Safeties, and altering fundamentally the lives of our People:
For suspending our own lives and declaring themselves invested with power to live for us in all cases whatsoever.
They have abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of their Protection and waging War against us.
They have plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
They are at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Ghouls to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
They have constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear teath against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, and to fall themselves by their Hands.
They have excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless automations whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to the foreign zombies. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by zombies to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all zombie influance, and that all connection between them and the zombie hoard, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Even though this was all in good fun, please take a moment this 4th of July to read the real Declaration of Independence and think about the sacrifices our ancestors have made in the pursuit of freedom.
Till Fate brings our Future,